Crushing on a Guy Who’s Taken

Crushing on a guy who is in a relationship with another girl is practically a rite of passage for women. It always starts off good (and that’s usually because we’ve yet to find out that he’s not single), harmless flirting, a few inside jokes, and some casual hanging out. But then it reaches the point where you’ve convinced yourself that you’ve fallen in love with this guy, and he’s convinced himself that it’s time to go home to his gf. Fuck. 

In some ways you feel dirty, like you’re the home wrecker he’s cheating on his girl with. I mean, his texts to you end with winky faces and he compliments your cute outfits! Guys don’t just do those things with girls they aren’t at least a little bit interested in….but then you think ahead, like girls do, and consider what would happen if, just like in your fantasies, he left his current relationship to be with you. How are you supposed to trust somebody who had feelings for someone who wasn’t the girl he was dating, even though the person that he had feelings for was you?! It sounds completely convoluted, but it also sounds completely logical; you wanted to be with him when he had a girlfriend, but if he leaves his girlfriend to be with you, how do you know he won’t fall for another girl in the midst of your relationship?

But wait, let’s back up a second. Because guess what? He’s still dating his girlfriend. He didn’t leave her for you, and you’re still alone. You’re trying to understand if you only want him because he’s taken, or if you want him for real. Ladies at this point you are the walking definition of the friend zone and he’s taking complete advantage of it. He gets to have his girlfriend AND you at the same time, and he doesn’t get in trouble. 

You lose sleep thinking about him and you plan your day around seeing him. You get yourself so worked up in his presence that you end up making a complete douche out of yourself - - and for what? All the time you spend making sure your hair is just right and your outfit is put together, all the time you spend thinking about what you’re going to say to him, it’s all time wasted. In your fantasy he declares his undying love for you but in reality, he plays you. So, how do you put an end to it? How do you stop the never-ending cycle of feeling something for someone who doesn’t feel it back? 

You go cold turkey. You look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are better than this - - that you don’t deserve to be second fiddle, to be somebody’s “emotional mistress.” You erase every dream you ever had of being with him and set your sights on that which is attainable. Don’t let him be the focus of your day when you’re only a small fraction of his. When you stop obsessing over something you can’t have, something that’s not even good for you, you open yourself up to the possibility of a real, true, healthy relationship. You cherish friendships for being just that; friendships. And finally, you tell yourself that when the right guy comes along, he will realize how lucky he is to have you in his life, and he will make you a priority, not an afterthought.

Feast and Famine

Over the course of our existence, there are many seasons of life that we all go through. We have our seasons of change, seasons of grief, and of course seasons of joy. But as women, we all inevitably go through what I like to call “a season of feasting and a season of famine.” One almost always precedes the other, creating a classic “the grass is always greener” phenomenon. And what exactly are we “feasting” on? Why, men of course. Tall, dark, and handsome (in my dreams, anyway), they always manage to find a way to drive us crazy but look irresistibly adorable doing it.

The Season of Feasting:

Like Thanksgiving, a feast tends to happen only once in a great while (I hesitate on saying once a year because not all of us are even that lucky) and often leaves us feeling full, tired, and ready for some retail therapy. A feast can mean different things for different people, but generally involves having multiple guys expressing interest in you, hitting on you, dating you, and/or stalking you. From my own personal experience, I have found that a feast can be quite exciting and fun, but at the same time exhausting. My freshman year of college was the first time I had ever experienced a feast. And let me tell you, going from 18 years of famine to a feast right away was a bit overwhelming! A guy that lived in my dorm liked me, as did a guy from my hometown. I liked them both, so I decided to take some time and sort out my options…aka go on dates with both of them without either of them knowing about the other. It was fun, but I’m more of a one-man woman, which I realized when my spunky, 82 year old grandmother said to me, “well, why can’t you date both?” like it was no big deal. Juggling men is hard! I don’t know how polygamists do it.

When it’s a Feast of Leftovers:

Sometimes, there are unfortunate occurrences in which all you are left to feast on are old, clearly microwave re-heated leftovers. Sick. This happens when the multiple men that are expressing interest in you (but let’s be real, in this case, probably stalking you) are all undesirable (examples include men that are extremely clingy, are complete tools or douches, or are just generally unattractive to you). Similar to the lasagna that has been sitting in my refrigerator for the last 2 weeks, it is the kind of feast that is most loathed, but also hardest to get rid of.

In case you arrived late to the table, here are 3 ways to tell if you have a feast in front of you, and more importantly, if it’s a feast of leftovers:

1.      You receive multiple text messages within a few minutes, from several different guys.

You’ll know its leftovers if you cringe once you see their names light up your phone.

2.      It seems like you get a new friend request on Facebook every time you meet a new guy.

You’ll know its leftovers because you’ll only click accept so as not to seem rude.

3.      With all of the guys you talk about, it’s hard for your friends to keep them straight.

You’ll know its leftovers when you refer to them as ‘creepy guy, even creepier guy, and super creepy guy’ to clarify

The Season of Famine:

On the flip side, it is not uncommon to find yourself in a season of famine. It’s like all of a sudden you went from the chaotic, bustling city of Chicago to some tiny, unincorporated town in the plains of North Dakota. There’s absolutely nothing. It’s always super fun when one of your best friends is enjoying a feast and you’re stuck in famine mode. Everywhere the two of you go together, guys are practically jumping in line to give her their numbers, and you’re just standing over there being the girl who lets them borrow your pen. Don’t get me wrong, this can at times be a relief, especially if you’ve just gotten done with a leftover’s feast. I mean, there are definitely perks to experiencing famine, with freedom at the very top of the list. You can do what you want, whenever you want, without worrying about anyone but yourself. You’re a strong, confident woman who don’t need a man by her side. You have no one to impress – if you want to skip a shower and go with the rolled out of bed, sweatpants and no makeup look, you go right ahead girlfriend, because this is your life and you are going to own this season of famine. But stay in any place for too long, and you’re bound to start wanting a change (the exception, of course, being when your season of famine is so prolonged that you decide to just lean into it and adopt 23 cats). So don’t go crazy and throw the mascara out quite yet…you don’t want to do anything you’ll regret once the seasons change.

10 Reasons Why I Would Make an Awesome Disney Princess

10. I mean, my hair is pretty stellar. I straighten it about 14 times in the morning, just enough times for me to be satisfied that not even the Georgia humidity can ruin it. Sometimes I even add a cute little braid in the front or tease the bangs to make a mini Snooki pouf.  Now it’s impossible for any human - or any living organism, for that matter - to have their hair reach the level of perfection of a Disney Princesses’ (is there no wind in any of their Kingdoms?), but as a mere mortal I’d say I do an above mediocre job. 

9. I love animals. Seriously, animals rock. I feel like if a tiger wanted to be my pet, I could totally train that thing in a heartbeat, Life of Pi style. I’d teach it how to bring me the remote and paint my toenails. 

8. I sing. Not well, not on key, but I ain’t shy about it, either. I’ll belt out “The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound of Music, yodeling parts and all, like nobody’s business. Though when I sing I generally send people running in the opposite direction as opposed to attracting woodland animals to my side, I feel as though it’s the effort that should be judged, and not the quality of the output. On an unrelated note, I would also make an amazing Fraulein Maria.  There are some days when I wake up and just think to myself, “Gosh I feel an awful lot like an Austrian Governess today…”

7. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. For reals, I attract all kinds of guys. Well, maybe just one kind...creepy stalker (also his cousin, even creepier creepy stalker). But if you think about it, none of the Disney Princes are that legit, either. I mean, the Beast had to keep Belle locked up in a castle to get her to love him. And Prince Eric liked a girl who never said a word to him. And don’t even get me started on Prince Charming….how drunk do you have to be to fall in love with a girl over the duration of one waltz? Like Belle, Ariel, and Cinderella, I too have dealt with my fair share of losers--though I’m still waiting for one of them to offer me a ring and a castle…

6. I’m a fashionista. I learned to dress and accessorize from the masters…Stacey London and Clinton Kelly, of course. Peter pan collars look fantastic on me and I have a pair of glittery ballet flats AND a pair of glittery sling backs. Plus, I can really pull off an apron. 

5. I’m pretty sure that one of my friends is a fairy godmother in disguise. Because sometimes, when she’s baking, she holds the spatula like a wand.

4. I have a dream. Rapunzel wanted to see the floating lanterns gleam. Ariel wanted to be where the people are. Tiana wanted to open her own restaurant. What’s my dream, you ask? Why, for my Pinterest closet to be real, of course.

3. I’m a rebel. I live life on the edge. Remember those Nickelodeon commercials that told you to ask a parent before going online and visiting their website? Well, I didn’t ask permission.  Also, I put on my sneakers without untying them first, and, believe it or not, I almost never let my microwavable dinner cool for one minute before attempting to eat it.  

2. I have an overprotective father. One the eve of my big move to college, he told me to “Stay out of trouble. And wear shoes in the shower.” Seriously dad, I know you love me but geesh, it’s like I’m being smothered by your concern.

1. I defeated the Huns. It’s a little known fact about me (which is a shame, really) but a few years back I single-handedly defeated the ancient foe of the Chinese Empire. I had to dress like a man and enlist the help of a tiny talking dragon to do it, but the reason that 1.3 billion Chinese people live freely today is because I am a secret warrior. And also a badass.