Your Loss, Baby

Acca-Awkward.

There’s no doubt about it—I’m an awkward person. I’m about as awkward as trying to pull open a door that says push, making eye contact with the person in the car next to you as you are singing at the top of your lungs, or watching a sex scene in a movie with your parents. So it’s to be expected that I would end up facing quite a few awkward and uncomfortable situations in my dating life, and believe me, I have. But I know that I can’t possibly be the only one who occasionally suffers from mild to severe cases of awkwardness or who has dated someone with this. It has become an epidemic. It has gotten to the point where there is even a television show just called Awkward.

The purpose of this post is two-fold. For the many of you, like me, that encounter uncomfortable situations on at least a weekly, if not daily basis, here are a few stories I hope you can sympathize with. If I can help at least one person take comfort in knowing they are not the only one, then I would consider this a success. For you little weirdos that claim to have never had an awkward moment in your entire existence, first of all, I call BS, but I hope that you can learn a few things in case a situation would come up in the future…or at least have a few laughs at my expense.

When He’s the Awkward One:

Most of the time, these situations end up being even more rough than when you were being  awkward, because at least then you could laugh it off. How do you respond to someone that is oblivious to how uncomfortable they are making you? You either lie (Oh yeah, that’s totally normal…not weird at all), ignore it (...), or tell the truth (just stop it, you freak). There was this one guy in particular that I dated, (let’s call him Mike) that was always being super awkward. First of all, he would always ask permission whenever he was going to come within like 2 feet of me. Sometimes, he would even think about it ahead of time and ask me via text. Apparently even cuddling or hand holding can’t be spontaneous. Another time, we were hanging out and watching a movie, complete with popcorn. Now I don’t know about you, but I usually eat popcorn with my hands. I guess Mike does things differently, because I’m not even joking, he made me eat the entire bowl of popcorn with only my mouth…and watched! If that’s not uncomfortable, I don’t know what is. Yep, he was awkward alright. At first I thought of it as just a little quirk, but over time it crossed the border from awkward into the land of creepy. Towards the end of our relationship, I received a five page long text about how I was like a drug to him and he was so addicted and he needed me, etc. Yeaaaah…we’d only been going out for 3 months, it was long distance, and I didn’t even like him that much. Naturally, it freaked me out and I did what any sane 18 year old girl would do – I showed the texts to my friends, we laughed about it (in a haha, I hope he’s not a serial killer sort of way), and I broke up with his creepy ass.

When you’re the Awkward One:

Let’s be real, at some point  or another you will probably end up being awkward in front of your significant other (or if you are really unlucky, in front of your significant other and his friends and family). But it’s what you make of it. You can let it completely humiliate you and stop you from ever pursuing a dating relationship again (in which case, I hope you like convents) or you can play it off like it’s no big deal and move on with your life. My cousin, Hannah, once told me about a very awkward situation she had with her boyfriend Tom. Hannah and her friend were hanging out one day when they decided to look at engagement rings online because her friend was quite sure she would be getting engaged soon. (What girl doesn’t enjoy looking at engagement rings online? Am I right?) Hannah wasn’t thinking about getting married anytime soon, but it was fun to look. Later that night, after her date with Tom, he came back to her place and she remembered that she really wanted to show him this funny YouTube video of a penguin on a skateboard (I made that up…but the actual video is irrelevant). Unfortunately, Hannah had forgotten to close out the engagement ring tab and to her horror couldn’t quite click the X fast enough. Tom had seen it and immediately felt the pressure. Hannah bumbled around with the story about her soon-to-be engaged friend, but her bumbling only made her story sound like an excuse, not the truth. Then, to add a few more layers of awkward, Tom, not knowing what to do or say, nervously and hesitantly asked what kind of ring she liked.  And they lived happily ever after…I’m just kidding, they broke up. But for an entirely different reason I’m told.

It always seems as though of my awkward little “quirks” inconveniently come out every time I start dating someone. First of all, I’m a terrible hugger. It’s a long-standing family joke that at least half of the people on my dad’s side are super awkward side-huggers. And to add on to that, there’s the fact that I am also not real keen on physical touch…I’m more of a ‘stay out of my bubble’ sort of person. What this means is that I make the end of dates incredibly uncomfortable, because I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to do even the simplest goodbyes well. If he goes in for a handshake (which would be weird), I’m probably going to meet it with a high-five. If he goes in for a hug, I’m probably going to either give him one of my infamous side hugs or place my hands in weird places, trip over his shoes, and almost fall (yep…that happened). And if god forbid, he goes in for a kiss, well…there are too many ways I could mess that up to predict the outcome. I also have a terrible habit of inviting friends along when a guy invites me to do something that is clearly meant to be for just the two of us. I’m not sure if I do this because of nerves or what, but it just makes things unbelievably…strange….for everyone. Basically I’m the girl who creates 3^rd wheel situations on purpose.

So to sum things up: If you are genetically pre-disposed to being awkward, I can relate and sympathize. If you are a first generation awkward person, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. If you have never had an awkward date in your entire life, well then I hate you.

Boys of the South

Chivalry is not dead, at least not south of the Mason Dixon Line. After having recently moved to southern Georgia, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the notion of a southern gentlemen is not a farce—far from it.

With a tip of their cap they open the door for you, offer to help you up the stairs with your groceries, and encourage you to go ahead of them in line at the store. They offer you a polite smile as they pass and even walk in the middle of the road to stop traffic so you can cross the street (I’m not kidding, this actually happened to me). They ask you how you are then wish you a good day, all with that adorably charming, back-woods southern drawl strong enough to make your knees weak and your mouth water. 

The guys down here drop their girlfriends off right in front of class (in pick-up trucks, obviously) then pick them up when it’s over. They carry shopping bags for their girlfriends, no matter how heavy or how light, and loyally tag along on those notoriously boring and menial feminine errands (you know the kind—the salon, Victoria’s Secret, and the feminine product aisle at Walmart). They call their girlfriends pet names like “sugar” and “darling,’” all while sporting their uniform of pleated khaki shorts, a tucked in polo shirt, and penny loafers with no socks. 

They drink a lot of beer and watch a lot of football (god, do they love their football), but their first priority is always the women in their life. They were raised by strong southern mammas whose cooking rivaled Paula Deen and whose temper rivaled John McEnroe. Their mommas take care of them and they take care of their mammas, and without a doubt they’ll take care of you too, because that’s just how they were raised. 

Ladies, these southern boys, they’re the ones you marry. They’re the ones that you are proud to introduce to your mother and not intimidated to introduce to your father. They’re the ones who will be at your beck and call beyond your newlywed years. They’ll dote on your daughter and teach your son how to fish and root for the University of Georgia football team. My experience in the short time I’ve been here has given me hope that “good ol’” boys do indeed exist, and that it is possible to meet someone who will treat me how I ought to be treated—like a princess, of course.

Planning Ahead

Why Blind Dates should be used by the U.S. Government as Torture Devices

Give me waterboarding over a blind date any day. There is literally nothing that instills more dread or fear in me. Big exam coming up? Piece of cake. Snake in the backyard? No worries. Blind date? No, not that! ANYTHING BUT THAT! 

First and foremost, there is so much pressure that comes from the person who set you up. They want you to like each other so bad it physically hurts them. You almost feel obligated to marry the person on the spot because your friend (or if you’re really lucky, your mom) is so invested in you two as a couple already, and anything less than marriage would be letting them down. The person who sets you up always says things like “He’s the male version of you!” or “You two would make such a cute couple!” First of all, I do not want to date the male version of me. Me with a penis sounds like a terrible combination. And second, whether or not we would make a cute couple is irrelevant. Romeo and Juliet made a cute couple and look how that turned out for them. What’s worse is that your friend tells you all these things about the person they’re setting you up with ahead of time so that when you go on your blind date, you already know the person’s background information and you feel like a creep. I mean, in all likelihood you’re a creep anyway because we all know you stalked him on Facebook ahead of time, but that’s different. You just had to see what he looked like so you would know who to look for in the restaurant. It was just an accident when you happened to look through all 637 of his pictures and all of his wall posts back through 2011. 

As if the buildup isn’t bad enough, the blind date itself is probably to most awkward encounter of the entire human experience. When should you get there…before him or after him? What should you wear, something casual or something sexy? Who pays? And what the heck are you supposed to talk about?? More often than not the conversation starts out with stories about your mutual friend. After all, that is the only thing that you know you have in common. Then typically the conversation shifts to something neutral and impersonal, like the weather or the menu. And sprinkled in between are those cute (and by cute I mean awful) little breaks in conversation that only last about 10 seconds but that feel like 100 years. Neither of you makes eye contact so you just find yourself scanning your surroundings and making some dumb comment about how the bus boy kind of looks like the chunky kid from The Goonies. 

Obviously you can’t order what you would normally order because you don’t want him to think you’re a fatty and you don’t want something that’s going to be messy and hard to eat. You tone back your sarcasm because you know he won’t understand that it’s just your sense of humor, and you pretend like his jokes are funnier than they really are. You essentially change who you are for a blind date, but why? There is no foundation with that person; they’ve never seen you or talked to you before, but why does that mean that you can’t be yourself? Is your personality so potent that he wouldn’t be able to handle it, and if it is, how the heck do you have friends to set you up in the first place? 

The circumstances of a blind date make us so self-conscious and insecure that we make ourselves into what we think he wants. He mentions something about having gone to a baseball game last week, and suddenly you become a die-hard Red Sox fan. He makes a comment about not liking cilantro and you say you hate it too, even though it is the main ingredient in almost all of your favorite foods. But why? It just seems so silly to put on a façade for this person, for this guy you don’t even know. Why isn’t your real self good enough, and what happens if you go out with him again? Do you keep up the charade or do you start to reveal your idiosyncrasies little by little, only to confuse him and have him question your honesty? Here it is: if you go on a blind date, be you. You have nothing to lose. If it’s terrible, you’ll never have to see him again. If he hates you, you’ll never have to see him again. If you hate him, you never have to see him again. Be you and be proud, and he can take it or leave it. 

Speaking of leaving it, I forgot to mention the quintessential part of the blind date, and quite possibly the worst part; saying goodbye. If he likes you he’ll blubber something about wanting to see you again, and ask you for your number. Whew. That part wasn’t so hard. But it’s the after you give him your number part that’s the kicker. A hug goodbye is too personal, but a handshake is too formal. High fives and fist bumps are reserved for your fantasy football buddies, and if he even tries to give you a goodnight kiss, run far far away and don’t look back. I tend to choose a middle route and give him a little wave, then inch slowly towards my car until he gets the hint that the night is over. He should walk you to your car but he doesn’t need to open the door for you; he should only do that if he’s the one who drove. With any luck he’ll follow your lead and the night will end without too much bumbling or blundering.

Blind dates are horrendous. They are awkward and humiliating and nerve wracking. Whether or not you end up with the person you were set up with does not change the fact that the blind date is one of the lowest rungs on the ladder of human experiences. But here’s the thing: you might end up with the person you were set up with. So as awful as they are, give blind dates a chance, because you never know who you might meet. It is possible that your friend was right after all, and that you two do make a cute couple. If that’s the case, then your friend gets a place of honor at your wedding. If the date is not quite that successful, then you get to berate your friend and hold your horrible experience over their head for the rest of your lives. Either way, it’s a win-win.