Shut. Up!

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (or Something Like That…)

He’s into you, but you’re just not that into him. Women are master manipulators, but even we cannot manipulate ourselves into liking someone that we don’t have a connection with. So, what to do…despite your lack of feelings for him, he’s still a nice, sweet, caring person, and he obviously has good taste, seeing as how he likes you. You don’t want to hurt him, but you have to let him know where he stands. If you don’t, the next thing you know it will be 2 years later and he will be down on one knee with you feeling indifferent; “well, I don’t dislike him…” Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t be so afraid that no one else will come along. You have to not only be honest with yourself, but you also have to be honest with him. For every day that goes by that you don’t tell him the truth, he becomes more and more invested in you, ultimately making things harder. 

Letting a guy down doesn’t have to be a dramatic, or traumatic, experience. Contrary to popular belief it can be done gently; no rudeness or angst required. Now if he’s a complete asshole, that’s a different story. By all means, curse him out via text. But when he’s been nothing but nice, the least you can do is return the favor. After all, it’s not his fault that your feelings don’t match his. 

What not to do: Lie. Don’t tell him that you still have feelings for your ex if you don’t, and don’t tell him that you have to focus on your career right now if you’re planning on dating other guys. Tell him like it is; he’s a big boy, he can take it, and he’ll respect you for your honesty. His ego will be a bit bruised but not nearly as bad as if he comes to discover that you’re a) not back with your ex or b) are pursuing other relationships instead of focusing on your career. 

What to do: Prepare him for the end. It’s not wise to blind side him, especially if from his end of things everything seemed to be going great. Stop responding to every single text. Make your responses a little shorter. Stop being flirty. Hang out less or in groups. You can do all of this without being rude or dishonest, and this helps ready him for the break, as he’ll be able to feel you becoming more distant. Then you have The Conversation. Sit him down and tell him to his face (absolutely no texting/calling/Skyping!) why things aren’t working out for you. Keep the focus on you and what you’re feeling; don’t spend the entire time complimenting him and talking about how great he is. This will only confuse him. If he’s so great, then why aren’t you into him? Don’t place any blame on him, either. If you didn’t give him any inclination that you weren’t on his level in terms of feelings, then don’t make him feel bad for having expressed himself the way he did. 

If you play your cards right, hurt feelings will be at a minimum and there will be no need for regret. Who knows, you might end up friends. Most of all, you won’t leave him resenting you. Despite what some people say, in some cases it is important what others think of you. The less people you alienate and manipulate, the better people will think of you, and the better you will think of yourself.

Follow Your Brain

Don't Tell Me What to Do, Camry!

Click it or ticket. I get it, we need to wear our seatbelts, and I do…most of the time. Look, I don’t want to go through the windshield of my car or get suffocated by my airbag, but let’s be real for a second. My job is literally three tenths of a mile from my house. I go straight at a stop sign, round a corner, make a right turn and then, boom, I’m at work. By the time I get my seatbelt on and get situated, I’m at my job and it’s time to take the seatbelt off again. 

My car, however, does not see things the way I do. It starts off with just one ding. Basically saying “Lol silly you, you forgot to put on your seatbelt before you pulled out of the driveway! Haha it’s okay, I’ll wait while you put it on.” Then you get about 15 seconds of silence before that annoying sound is back, this time louder and more frequent. Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding... “Hey, what’s the deal? Put your freaking seatbelt on. You’re driving at the breakneck speed of 25 miles per hour, so stop being stubborn and buckle up!” Then if you don’t listen again, shit gets real. DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING… “Oh no you di-in’t! I know you didn’t just ignore me TWICE! Girl, you best get that belt on before I come up there and whoop yo ass!” Apparently my Camry is programmed to turn into an angry black woman when I don’t heed its warnings. 

I know there’s a simple solution to this problem; I should just wear my seatbelt on the way to work, right? Wrong. I just can’t bring myself to do it…it’s like it has become my moral obligation to oppose bossy technology that’s taking over our lives. I could put on my seatbelt, but then I’m just giving in, going mainstream, and letting the Man bring me down. No car is going to tell me what to do! I’ve started doing this thing where I try to beat the ‘dings,’ so I drive the two blocks between my house and work mega uber fast like I’m Vin Diesel in a Fast and Furious movie, but it never fails, my car always catches me being bad. Sorry to disappoint you Camry, but you and I are just never going to agree on this one.

Indecent Proposal

Date: June 21^st, 2013

Time: 7:32 p.m.

Location: A Fancy Restaurant

The Accused: Frumpy Franny

The Witness: Me and BFF

Incident Description: Witness and BFF were enjoying dinner, minding their own business, when into the restaurant walked a young couple. It seemed as though perhaps the couple were on their first date, as the man was being especially attentive and polite to his date. This idea was quickly shot down by the BFF, however, as the girl in the couple was dressed too casually for it to be a first date; an aqua hoodie, black yoga capris, and a pony tail is what she decided to wear to one of this town’s few formal restaurants. Imagine the Witness and BFF’s horror when one of the wait staff informed us that the couple was actually out for their 3^rd anniversary, sitting at the same table where they sat for their first date. I’m sorry, but how does this NOT scream proposal?? And yet, the girl, whom we affectionately named Frumpy Franny, decided to wear gym clothes.  Suddenly, the Witness and BFF were overcome by a sense of moral obligation to help poor, clearly unsuspecting, Franny. Being fashionistas in their own right, the Witness and BFF could not sit by and watch the most pivotal moment in Franny’s life occur while she was wearing Under Armour. Fortunately for Franny, the Witness and BFF were What Not To Wear experts after many years of Friday night sleepovers spent watching Stacey and Clinton. The Witness and BFF quickly formed a plan: they would catch Franny as she went to the restroom, where the Witness would offer Franny her jean jacket and some bangle bracelets, and the BFF would affix her patent leather turquoise belt to Franny’s waist. The outfit would not be ideal for a proposal, and unfortunately neither the Witness nor the BFF had any nail lacquer with them to freshen up Franny’s manicure, but it would have to do under the circumstances. Regrettably, the Witness and BFF never got the chance to put their plan into action, as Franny apparently had a freakishly large bladder. The Witness and BFF left the restaurant feeling disheartened by the fact that they were unable to help poor, poor Frumpy Franny. They shuddered to think what Franny might wear to her own wedding; perhaps she would at least upgrade to jeans.